# I Like Monkeys

**URL:** <https://forum.kirupa.com/t/i-like-monkeys/215277>\
**Category:** random\
**Created:** [February 6, 2007, 12:25am UTC](https://forum.kirupa.com/t/i-like-monkeys/215277 "2007-02-06T00:25:00Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 1\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![MTsoul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/91b2a8/32.png) [@MTsoul](https://forum.kirupa.com/u/MTsoul)\
**Post date:** [February 6, 2007, 12:25am UTC](https://forum.kirupa.com/t/i-like-monkeys/215277/1 "2007-02-06T00:25:00Z")

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Some of you might have read this. One of the earlier threads’ title reminded me of this story that I thought I’d post 🙂

* * *

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that  
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to  
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His  
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really  
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.  
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new  
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at  
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the  
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:  
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead.  
Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. ■■■■  
cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my  
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked  
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck.  
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for  
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real  
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want  
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately  
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change  
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so  
it didn’t all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to  
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in  
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor  
wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the  
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn’t  
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet  
one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the  
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My  
friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like  
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in  
the genitals.

I like monkeys.