On MTV’s shows
“Everytime I see ‘Say What Karaoke.’ I say ‘Say what’s on the other channel.’”
On ‘Making the Band’ with Puff Daddy
“You get to see Puff Daddy be a mentor to the children. Who better than Puff Daddy to show the kids wrong from wronger?”
On ‘Punk’d’
“I want to see them try to punk DMX. ‘DMX, you’ve been punked.’ ‘Oh yeah, you’ve been stabbed.’”
On Ashton Kutcher
“My man’s a pimp. He’ll take your girlfriend and your mother. I don’t even think he’s in love with Demi Moore. He’s just trying to punk Bruce Willis.”
On Seeing Janet Jackson with Jermaine Dupree
“****, I had a shot. It’s like finding out about a sale a day too late.”
On the deaths of overweight singers
“I don’t know where Ruben (Studdard) is, but I hope he’s eating a salad right now.”
On Paula Abdul judging a singing contest
“It’s like getting Christopher Reeves to judge a dance contest.”
On 50 Cent
“He took more shots to the face then Jenna Jameson.”
On seating arrangements
“You have the Olsen twins over there, so then you got to put R. Kelly way up there.”
On Good Charlotte
“Good Charlotte? More like a mediocre Green Day.”
On LeBron James and Ashanti
“He’s trying not to be the next Kobe and she’s trying not to be the next victim.”
On Eminem
“Our next presenter saves a lot of money on Mother’s Day.”
On Lil Jon
“Doesn’t Lil Jon look a lot like a black Cousin It.”
On P. Diddy
“Our next presenter is being sued by more people that the Catholic Church.”
On the ‘Queer Eye’ guys
“Our next five presenters make a living out of dressing up the guys who beat them up in high school. Give it up for the gay Beatles.”
After 50 Cent’s performance
“Today is the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s 'I Have a Dream’ speech —isn’t it nice to see that his dream has finally come true?”
After Coldplay’s performance
“I hope you all didn’t slit your wrists to that one.”
On the Williams sisters
“Our next two presenters have beaten the crap out of more white girls than Rick James.”
On the show ‘Cribs’
“It’s just celebrities showing off their crap. They should change the name to Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.”
On Ben Stiller & Drew Barrymore
“These two are Hollywood royalty, which means they’re inbred and out of touch with the common man.”
