The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 80 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month… By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field
even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
- To make an appointment to see me.
- To query a missing payment.
- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be; communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Lydia B. Hodgson
Oh yeah and here is something great someone sent me too:
