I don’t know what genius wrote this, but I received it from a friend. It was in russian, but I liked it so much I just translated everything into English. Have fun! 
FROM: Gabriel (Marketing Director)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
The research done by the department in the framework of Genesis project shows that the most popular systems on the market would require the following configuration:
Planet: 1
Radius: 3000 km
Gravity: 0.5g
Land/Water ratio: 1:1
Temperature: +24
Atmosphere: oxygen
Seas: fresh water
Rivers: honey and milk
Fauna: herbivorous
Circumference: 2 luminaries (day/night), speed: 0.0007 RPM (1 r/day)
Resolution: Forward to Strategic Planning Department to prepare the T3
Jehovah
FROM: Michael (Strategic Planning Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
In order to lower the system cost we offer to power both luminaries from one energy source and change the oxygen to nitrogen
Raphael: We have to leave at least 50% oxygen, or else the user will suffocate
Jehovah: 25% is enough
FROM: Lucifer (System Engineering Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
During the development works on the Genesis project (Let There Be Light phase) following difficulties have been discovered:
We don’t have a compact source of continuous luminescence with a distribution module for two luminaries. We offer to use a standard source of a Red Dwarf type, and use a mirror as a night luminary.
Gabriel (Marketing Director): Let’s use a Yellow Dwarf. The cost is not much higher and looks a lot more impressive.
**Lucifer: ** But that’s a server source. Does a one-planet user need that?
**Gabriel: ** What user needs and does not need will be advised to him by the Marketing Dept.
**Jehovah: ** Lucifer, please mind the matters of your own competency. Yellow Dwarf approved.
Michael: By the way, with the brightness of the Yellow Dwarf, we can use a simple planetoid instead of a mirror
**Jehovah: ** Agreed.
FROM: Lucifer (System Engineering Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
After the changes applied to T3, following difficulties have emerged:
The mass of the continuous luminescence source is a lot bigger than that of the planet; thereby the source refuses to rotate around the planet. Instead the planet rotates around the source. Besides, because of the source output we observe a stable temperature increase, which exceeds the one indicated in T3 (about 2 times). If we increase the distance from the source, dimensions of the system will considerably increase.
**Gabriel: ** Dimensions – that’s even more prestigious and classy. But the planet rotating around the peripheral device might give the user a sense of inferiority. Maybe we apply a gravitational constant?
**Michael: **If we change the gravitational constant, we will have compatibility problems.
**Jehovah: ** What’s the ■■■■difference for the user what rotates around what? Let the marketing dept. come up with some theory of relativity.
FROM: Lucifer (System Engineering Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
After increasing the orbit’s radius, efforts to accelerate the planet up to the speed indicated in T3 result in the system crash (the planet flies away into cosmos).
**Gabriel: ** What the user sees is more important that what actually happens in the system. Why don’t we try to make the planet rotate around its own axis? Then the user will think that the sun and the moon rotate around him with the speed given in T3.
**Jehovah: ** What if the user finds out?
**Gabriel: ** Even if he does, the project will be finished by that time.
**Jehovah: ** Agreed.
FROM: Raphael (Systems Testing and Technical Support Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
Initial system testing discovered the following defects:
- Steady overheating is observed.
- Rotation axis has deviated 33 degrees from the vertical, causing cyclic temperature anomalies.
- River throughputs do not correspond to the ones defined in the project
- Herbivorous fauna is missing
- Orbit is not stable, the planet has a tendency to fall into the sun.
FROM: Lucifer (System Engineering Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
- What did you expect with that land/water ratio? For an optimal cooling we need something like 1:3 – 1:4
- We’re working on it.
- Because milk gets sour and honey becomes sugared.
- Herbivorous fauna needs grass and green. And it doesn’t grow with that temperature and without water.
- To counterbalance we will put out another planet on the orbit.
Michael: We can’t pinch the land anymore, therefore will have to increase the sea area. That means increases in size and gravitation. And plus another planet.
**Gabriel: ** That’s ok, the user will do fine. We’ll claim the additional planet as a feature. But we have already announced the milk and honey. You have to leave it at least in the most noticeable rivers.
**Jehovah: ** Come on guys, the deadline is approaching, and you don’t even have a horse’s ***. By the way, designers have still not submitted the horse project, they’re still messing with dinosaurs. Who needs those dinosaurs?
**Gabriel: ** Well actually the user loves the dinosaurs.
**Jehovah: ** Ok, but we still need the horse.
FROM: Raphael (Systems Testing and Technical Support Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
Besides the unsolved problems with the axis, the planet now has a tendency to fly out into the cosmos.
Herbivorous fauna is still missing.
FROM: Lucifer (System Engineering Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
We’ll make another counterbalance, this time on the internal orbit.
Fauna reproduced, ate all the grass and green and died.
Michael: How many counterbalances do you need overall?
**Lucifer: **On the whole after some calibration works we managed to stabilize the system with 9.
**Jehovah: ** Do I get it right? Instead of one planet the user gets 9?!
**Lucifer: **So what, 8 of those are useless for life anyway.
**Jehovah: ** What about the dimensions of the system?
**Gabriel: ** Actually the user doesn’t need to know about those. Half of those planets you can’t even see without a telescope. I propose we add an 11th commandment into the user manual, which will say “Do not invent telescope”.
**Jehovah: ** No, then they will definitely invent it.
Raphael: By the way, after we increased the orbit’s radius the brightness of the night luminary dropped below the project minimum. I propose we install a mirror instead.
**Lucifer: ** Where were you before? We just balanced the system. You want to configure it all over again?
**Jehovah: ** No all over agains! Six days left till the deadline. Lucifer, either you make all this work, or I transfer you with a demotion!
FROM: Lucifer (System Engineering Manager)
TO: Jehovah (General Director)
What, is it my fault that I didn’t get a normal T3? Anyway here’s the story. We’ll have to leave the axis deviation as it is. At least there’ll be +24 in the garden of Eden, and if the user gets out anywhere else, that’s his own problem. We don’t have time to finish the dinosaurs, but we’ll make the horses. Honey and milk didn’t work out, so we put water in the rivers, although the water carries out salt into the seas. In order for herbivorous fauna not to eat all the grass and green we put out a patch in the form of omnivores, but we didn’t have time to programme them to differ the user from the prey. Ah hell, it’ll all work somehow.
**Jehovah: ** And it’s all good.
P.S.: The system engineering manager Lucifer suffered as a result of this project and was after all demoted when it was found out that he gave unsanctioned hints to the user during the usability testing phase.
