Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in trash disposal.
How About I send you a friggin dictionary so you can learn to read and write?
I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my
Mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad’s going to quit banging the babysitter like a
Screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I’ll talk To
your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the meantime and let’s See if you
can build up a family with those.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe’s, a dog, a
Drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
I’ll tell you what, I’ll send you a round trip ticket to the North
Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your friggin skull.
Who names their kid "Francis " anyway? I bet you’re gay.
I’ll send you the Village People album instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
For your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face.
You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker
and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
Most of my time squeezing ****tail waitresses nipps, and losing money at the
craps table.
And then one friggin day a year, I send toys to all you little pussbags!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into
your window and trample your family in their sleep for having
such a stupid child! I’m skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney, begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap
don’t fly up here. You’re getting a King Cobra instead.
He likes it when you pat his head.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re
Getting your arse whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a
house you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Umbilo Road, I can get
inside your rat hole just like all the hobo’s in town do. I will mail your
mom some crack the week before Christmas and she will leave me a key. I am
sending you a food stamp for Christmas
Your friend,
Santa
