wasn’t sure how to title this, not sure if this is a rant or a thought, not sure if it is appropriate or out of line, not sure of…anything really.
I went on vacation last week. If you must know, I was in Vegas. I took my girlfriend and we had a really great time, I love that city now. It was to be our last hooray before we were going to buckle down and get some serious work done with our careers and such so we could have the average, somewhat fulfilling, yet distinctly shallow and vaguely meaningless because if you ask your neighbor they’ll tell you they’re living the same life, suburban life.
so. I come back to work today (today being monday, a quick glance at the clock on my computer says it’s 1:20am, so TECHNICALLY it’s tuesday, but I digress). I am immediately besieged by account people and the like trying to get be to save their lazy souls from last weeks meltdown.
as this was happening not 15 seconds into the building, I had a thought, an epiphany, a serge of electromagnetic pulses racing through my brain.
why? why bother? I mean stay with me for a second, I understand the practical reasons, the reality of circumstance, but strip that away for a minute and really think about why, what is the motivation? what is the reason, the driving force for why I do what I do.
It was like time slowed down, and I had an out of body experience, like all I could sense was all these worthless scrapes of life rushing past me in such panic, fighting a losing battle against time with other worthless scrapes of life, and everything was blurry, and in super slow motion, I had that feeling like I was falling but my body was comfortable with the notion, as if my body knew that it wasn’t going to get hurt or something.
what do you call that? daydreaming? sleepiness? post-concussion syndrome?
I know I know, is there a point to this ranting. My point is both simple and pretentious. why do I do it? why am I doing what I’m doing, what’s the reason. All day I rush to get crappy work done, I spent more time changing little bits and pieces and updating copy than actually designing or building web sites. I spent more time saying the same rationals to account people and the like than I do thinking about the next great interface. I spend more time searching for files and reading emails with subject lines like “hey can you update theze tings??? ASAP ASAP ASAP PLEASE!!” (I kid you not, i get emails with titles like these).
why? damn_it why!
Ok, I’m done.
feel free to flame me, I know what I’d say to a post like this…seriously, I value free speech.
