Men's Humour

Just had this in my Inbox. :stuck_out_tongue:

Dear girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90’s man is dead…
long live the man of the new millennium. Listen up ladies;
this is how it really is…

  1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer. Just get your arse down to a gym.

  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, just put the bloody thing down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

  3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons men fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

  4. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present… Again.

  5. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

  6. Saturday = sport. It’s like the full moon or the changing of
    the tides, let it be.

  7. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!!!

  9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  10. Face it; peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
    point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

  11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?

  12. ‘Yes’, ‘no’ and ‘mmm’ are perfectly acceptable answers.

  13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
    doctor.

  14. Your mum doesn’t have to be our best friend.

  15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

  16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

  17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  18. It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s all that bloody chocolate you eat!!

  19. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

  20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

  21. If something we said could be intended two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

  22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic. If we
    don’t look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?

  23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.

  24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

  25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don’t have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don’t say “no,couldn’t/shouldn’t/don’t want any” and then eat half of mine.

  26. Dieting doesn’t work without exercise.

  27. If you’re on a diet it doesn’t mean my meals should be rabbit food as well

  28. A man’s four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, good wine and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category “garnish”.

  29. Do not question our sense of direction. If you can learn this, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

  30. Crying is emotional blackmail.

  31. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

  32. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  33. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  34. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

  35. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It’s genetic.

  36. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
    mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

  37. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act
    like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  38. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an
    answer you don’t want to hear.

  39. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as computers, football, fluff in your navel, zen and the art of picking your nose, the 4-4-2 formation or the benefits of drinking real ale.

  40. You have enough clothes, and too many shoes. Yes, you did hear right.Too many shoes!!

  41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

  42. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

The ball’s in your court.

Sincerely,
The Lads

hahaha! that is so funny (and mostly true!) thanks kit :slight_smile:

:link:[color=orange]the orange one[/color]:link:

LOL! :stuck_out_tongue:
Many of these are true though! :stuck_out_tongue:

It’s good. :slight_smile: Certainly made me laugh. :slight_smile:

haha… you suckers.

hehe… funny stuff.

Hang on a second… Lava, what’s that underneath your avatar…? :stunned:

uh… what are you talking about? There’s nothing under my avatar… hehe.

Picky. Over the avatar then. :smirk:

I’m going to get you back for this, you realise… :stuck_out_tongue:

eh… I’m not afraid of you! You cant touch me… King Kong aint got sh*t on me! :slight_smile:

I know karate… :stuck_out_tongue:

I know trout-slappin’ :trout:

and bondage…

Shhh, quiet. :slight_smile:

one of these days you have to teach me, haha…

There goes my reputation… :stuck_out_tongue:

Oh man… I just got an AWESOME IDEA… haha…

&!$&.

haha… this is going to be fun.

I <i>will</i> kill you…