[SIZE=“6”]WARNING: DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY[/SIZE]
I hate my job. I hate people. I am 16 years old and I’ve been working at Burger King for 2 years. For those of you who have never worked at a fine dining establishment such as Burger King or McDonalds, you probably don’t know how I feel. For the first month, it’s ok. Then you start noticing everything people do, and everyone pisses you off. Here is a list of things you DON’T do. They aren’t in any specific order, they all equally piss me off.
Don’t lean into my face, especially if you STINK. People come in all the time and do this to me; just GIVE ME SOME PERSONAL SPACE!
Don’t try to start up a conversation with me. I’d rather have projectile diarrhea shot at my face than listen to an exhausting story about how you couldn’t choose what color blender to buy at Kmart.
Don’t try to screw me over with multiple coupons! It’s one per customer! And don’t say, “OK, well then we can just split it into two orders.” NO, YOU CAN’T DO THAT! The point of the “One per customer” rule is to make it so you can’t get too much free food! I hate it when people bring a little kid with them, and say that they want to use two coupons, one for them and one for the kid. The 5 year old brat is not a customer!
NEVER tell me that you’re in a hurry. If you’re in a hurry, why are you stopping at my restaurant?
Don’t talk on the cell phone and try to order at the same time. And if you are talking on the phone, DON’T PUT IT ON SPEAKERPHONE. And if it is on speakerphone, you don’t need to yell into the phone! The point of speakerphone is to let people around you talk, and it doesn’t require you to raise your voice. If you yell in my Burger King, I will kick you in the face and spray mace in your eyes, then drag you outside to the trash compactor and let it do it’s job.
If your cell phone does ring and an unnecessarily loud and offensive rap song starts blasting, don’t just let it ring. Turn it off, or I will take it and smash it on the ground.
Don’t ask me for McAnything. When people ask me for a “Happy Meal” or a “Big Mac,” I tell them to take a left out of the parking lot and go down the road to McDonalds.
Don’t ask me if I’m old enough to work at Burger King. Obviously, if I’m there, I’m allowed to work. People always used to ask me if I was the manager’s son or something, implying that my employment wasn’t legitimate. Not only am I not affiliated with any of those bastards, but I’m more legal than 90% of the people who work in the back, if you know what I mean. (COUGH ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS COUGH)
Don’t tell me to smile. Unless you say something extremely hilarious, I’m not going to smile at you. What is there to smile about? I’m not getting paid $7.25 an hour to sit there and smile like an idiot.
Don’t argue over the price, the register is always right. Old people come in and get small coffee with a senior discount, which turns out to be 96 cents, and then say that they got it for 94 yesterday. THE REGISTER IS ALWAYS RIGHT, I’M NOT TRYING TO SCREW YOU!
Don’t complain about dumb stuff. If we forgot to take the pickles off your Triple Whopper, then take them off yourself, lazy ***.
Don’t smoke a cigarette right before you come in. It’s gross. Nobody wants to be engulfed in a cloud of nasty smoke. That applies to weed, too. Unless you have some for me, don’t come in high.
Don’t call me by my name, I’m not your buddy.
When I say “What?” don’t huff and puff like I just asked you to recite The Bible.
If you’re waiting in line for half an hour, I expect you to know what you want by the time you get to the register!
When I say “Hello,” don’t ignore me and just start ordering. I would like some response, some sign of life, at least a GRUNT! A “Hello” is all I ask.
Don’t give me $7.99 in pennies.
Don’t use your credit card for something that costs a dollar, if you have cash.
Don’t ask me what a Value Meal is. There’s huge pictures everywhere.
Don’t ask me where something is on the menu. You have eyes, don’t you?
Don’t tell me how to do my job. If you’re waiting for your food, don’t point to it and tell me to get it. You’ll wait like everyone else.
Don’t be a smart ***. If you want a plain Whopper, I usually confirm the fact that you want nothing on it. When I do that, don’t say “DUH, that’s what plain means!” I will stare at you awkwardly.
Don’t say, “Those people making my food are supposed to wear gloves.” OBVIOUSLY you aren’t up to date on your laws, JACK! They wash their hands every 30 minutes. Deal with it, they don’t have diseases. If your mother was making cookies for you, would she wear gloves? No. Would you not eat them afterwards? No.
Don’t yell in my face! I can hear you! If you’re standing there screaming “FRENCH FRIES, LARGE SODA, CHICKEN TENDERS…” and my ears are bleeding, maybe you need to turn it down a notch.
Don’t yell at the people in the back who are making your food. Chances are, they don’t speak English, so you’re just wasting your breath.
Don’t whisper. And if you do whisper, DON’T complain when I screw up your order!
Don’t speak a different language. This is America, I speak english. I’m the whitest person in the world, do I look like I speak Zulu?
Don’t change your mind!
When you finish your order, move out of the way. I have people come in with a big line behind them, and after I take their order, they just stand there. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE ANYONES ORDER IF YOU’RE IN THEIR WAY? Jesus. It’s so simple, there’s a line that curves off to the side, with a HUGE counter where you go and wait for the food.
Don’t ask for a different toy, it’s SUPPOSED to be a surprise. I don’t care if you got the same one yesterday, that just means that you eat too much fast food, and you should be getting a salad, you fat head.
Don’t ask for mustard on anything. We don’t have mustard. And if you like mustard, you might have this new disease called Tastebud Retardation.
Don’t leave a mess. I especially hate when people smear a gallon of ketchup on the table. Or when people take a thousand straws, open them all up, and then leave them all over the place.
Don’t interrupt me, I hate repeating myself.
There’s a sign on the door that says, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Don’t come in half naked. People bring their little kids in with just underwear, and no shoes. Not only is that kid going to pick up tons of diseases, but nobody wants a half naked kid running around. Unless you are a very attractive young lady, put some clothes on.
Don’t bring Gramps with you just so you can get a senior discount. The discount is for when the senior is the one who pays. And if you old people just come by yourself, don’t ask for the senior discount unless you are poor. I see old people who come in with Rolex watches and Louis Vuitton bags, who ask for “their” discount, when they are probably financially stable enough to afford the 10 cents that they save.
Don’t ask if your kid can have a crown. They’re all sitting on a table for a reason, they’re free, idiot.
Don’t have one person get a bunch of food for 15 people, so that I have to help you bring it to your car. We don’t have a drive-thru.
Don’t say “Yes,” when I ask you if the order is “for here or to go.”
I hope you enjoyed that painfully long list, and maybe some of you fast food bingers will learn!
-Andy