THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?
Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish
to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…" But before he could
sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
“Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,”
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one’s innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the
first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow 'em
out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I’m
an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
*****.
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
(Gary)
Slut.
(Rebecca)
Get f****d.
(Gary)
Eat s**t.
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.
