Ack, where to start…
Well I just had yet another arguement with my parents, and I know it’s all normal for a 15yr old, but I think things are just going too far. Today mum started an arguement because I said that I would rather go out to dinner with them than go to a youth group (which was the truth), me wouldnt beleive me and tried to force me to go, got me angry, so i said things, got her angry so she retaliated, you know how it all escalates.
Well this occasion involved the usual “I hate you you *****” etc, but then mum said how I have no friends and they dont like me because they dont see me, she then went on to say I don’t see you, which got me thinking.
The next thing to pop up was psychiatry, mum stated how she was gonna hire a shrink and make me more nice (her words), is she trying to change me? I dunno, but the more I thought about the psychiatry, the more I actually liked it, she thinks she’s in the right all the time, but she isn’t, I admit I’m in the wrong and I often say things I don’t mean to and get angry when I shouldn’t, but I’m not always in the wrong and I’m sick of being told and convinced that.
I mean mum’s not strickly lying when she says I have no friends, I have tried for the past 15 years of my life, and had been apart of (or attempted to be) with every group of kids in primary school and now secondary school, every birthday I’d bring home a different group of “friends”, around when I was 14 I just got sick of it, gave up trying to make friends and became a computer junkie. I stayed at home at nights, I learnt to do things - like code for example - I learnt to ignore lonelyness and so on.
That was probably the best step in my life, no breaking of my heart (friends, not love), no moving from group to group trying to fit in until getting bullied into moving on by the next few months. But my parents have not appreciated this step, they don’t know how my life is and I do beleive they are doing it for the best, but they don’t beleive me when I try to tell them just how bad my life can be sometimes, this pisses me off. I mean thanks for helping and all but what’s a relationship without trust?
And the one of two friends I’m left with, I barely ever see, I barely ever connect with, girlfriends have never been an option for me. But the few I do have, the few who have stuck by me, not even them do I feel confident to talk to, they’d laugh at my sensitivity, my likelyhood that I’d cry over this stops me from wanting to tell them. So we go back to the psychiatrist, maybe that’s not such a bad idea, that is somebody I can talk to, that also know what they’re talking about and really could help.
I dunno, mum accuses me of wallowing in my self pity, and after rereading this post, she may have a point. I dunno.
Sorry this post doesn’t have any point to it, and it’s more a blog entry than anything, but as my sites down ATM, thanks to the May 1st Reboot, I thought I should write this all down before the next day comes and I think it’ll be better, but it won’t.
