Jon Stewart: “Karl Rove, the mastermind behind George Bush’s entire political career, is stepping aside to spend more time, I can only assume, spreading rumors about his family.”
**Jay Leno: **“It was so hot today, Lou Dobbs became disoriented and had himself deported.”
“The flooding was so bad, Hillary Clinton had to switch from her pantsuit to a wetsuit.”
“They had another presidential debate last night. … It did not do well in the ratings. In fact, you know the two Americas John Edwards is always talking about? Neither one of them was watching.”
“President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he’s doing more when he’s not doing the job.”
“Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again — a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards’ fundraising — you know, compared to the other candidates — is she can’t make him black and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem Michael Jackson’s people have.”
“A very confused President Bush ordered a ban on all pencils imported from China because he said they may contain lead.”
**Stephen Colbert, on the New York mayor’s jury service: **“Shame on you, Mr. Bloomberg. If a billionaire mayor can’t find an excuse to get out of his civic duty, what hope do the rest of us have?”
