Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a hit man,” was the reply.
“You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.
“Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here” .
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her… He’s naked as well! That b*tch!”
He turned to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?”
“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson.”
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.
“Just wait a moment, be patient,” said the hitman calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him…
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you - but you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got 3 people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil showed him into a room. Inside was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon just kept diving in and surfacing empty handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. “Would you like to change places?” asks the devil.
“No way!” said George, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time. “Oh no! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The devil opened a third door. Inside, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor completely naked. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing him a little ‘favour’. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Oh yeah, I can handle this.”
The devil then smiled and said… “Monica, you’re free to go!”
A sergent, a Colonel, a Aunt and her niece was waiting in a bus stop. A little while later the sergent started to flirt with the neice. After a while the bus came and all the four got onto the bus. The Colonel and sergent sat on the seat behind that of Aunty and niece. Both Col. and Aunty was sitting next to the window. The flirting continued and were going a bit out of limits. Thats when the bus entered a tunnel. Then there was a sound of a smooch and a slap. When the bus came out of it everybody was sitting straight as if nothing happened. This is what each one of them thought:
Aunty: I knew that the sergent liked my niece, he kissed her. She slapped him back.
Niece: Yea…I know that the sergent liked me and he kissed me. Aunty didn’t seemed to like it. So she must have slapped him.
Col.: Hmm…the sergent liked the girl. He kissed her. Her aunty’s face seemed she didn’t liked it. So she slapped him. He must have ducked. So I got it.
Srgt: WOW…it was one of my best days in life. I kissed a girl and slapped the Colonel!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. “Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door… Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a ■■■■■■ good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers.
“Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”
St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple of minutes ago.”
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent,excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I just need one copy.”
