In a sense you’re right, but I’d change the scenario to:
Was always standing in a pool with a shark, had an idea it might bite me, never knew to what extent until it had bitten me. Now, I’m in a nice hot tub with a mermaid, but I still have the shark wounds for now, and would even if I hopped out.
Sure there is the possibility she’ll do it again. I’m an extreme realist, and when in doubt I check the pessimism as far as “what could happen” but I truly don’t see it happening again. Even her shrink offered to write me a note saying that she thought there was no way she’d do it again.
Well I don’t think you can change it from a shark to a mermaid. You are with the same person who cheated on you. I think people can change. It takes a huge amount of trust to believe someone has changed, but if you have even the smallest part of doubt you either need to wash it away or leave the relationship. People stay in relationships and don’t fully forgive some things and they harbour those feelings and bring it out during fights or tough times. It’s just a cancer waiting to kill you. Cut it out totally or move on.
Dude I’ve been there and that’s something that I’ll never do again. I used to have big time control issues and what you’re describing Adam is exactly the way I was. Trust me when I say that you don’t know what’s best for everyone. That grounding thing is exactly the type of **** I’d pull on this girl I used to date and now that I look back on it I think any treatment along those lines is abuse. I used to justify being an ******* by thinking that I knew what was best. Yea everyone around me thought I was great but they didn’t know what a dick I really could be behind closed doors. If you intentionally lay guilt on people then the chances are that you have some personal issues that need to be dealt with, at least I know I did.
Don’t critize, condemn or complain.
Words to live by no matter what!
For most scenarios, I’d say you’re completely right…this happens to be a shark to mermaid story. I know she has changed, there isn’t a doubt in my head. About bringing it up, you’re totally right. It gets brought up from time to time, but not like it used to, which says to me, we’re (I’m) making progress. I’m very resilient, and I have no doubt that one day everything will be as it was, only better. And although it sucks at times right now, I know sticking it out will be the best for me as an individual, which is where I’m at right now.
When it first happened, I had to take care of myself, take care of her, and take care of the relationship. Once I surrendered to the fact that she didn’t seem to care about herself or the relationship, I focused on myself solely. I won’t help someone who isn’t helping herself. My main directive is making sure that I am not getting short changed. I refuse to take the “save the world” attitude even if it means I’m going to get hurt. I used to surrender everything I had to fight, now I only fight for me. If I feel, one day, that it is time to move on, I will without hesitation; I’ve been through it enough in my head.
For now, I think the best thing is toughing it out. We’re on a big upswing, and the only roadblock now is me. I know I will come around, you can’t keep this Irish Canadian down…man, we’re born to fight!! (exclude Canadian Army )
Couldn’t agree more, CG!! It is total abuse. It’s not a characteristic of mine, was when I was way younger( 12 or so years ago) , but I learned from it. I got to the point with this issue, where I said to her “Ok, you don’t want to deal with this in any way that can be helpful, you set the rules for how we’ll get out of this” - not verbatim, but you get the idea. Then I made my mind to meet her at every step. She would lie - which in my head was “taking care of herself before me, regardless of my feelings” so I’d do something to take care of myself and ignore her feelings…I told her each step of the way what was going on. It seemed like trying to explain to her how much she had destroyed me - for 4 months - didn’t have an impact on her. The only thing that seemed to help her realize was when she felt pain everytime she dished out pain. The pavlov theory, which sadly was what it came down to, and even sader, the only thing that made her realize that actions you take do hit people.
**edit
And, let me just add, that I didn’t do anything “bad” without having 4 or 5 days of crap thrown at me to lead up to it. I’m not a bad person, I have a great heart, but I’m also a fighter and I will not tolerate being walked over. Period.
Adam I know that everyone has a boiling point but it really is as simple as two wrong’s don’t make a right. Also, I don’t think you’re a bad person. As I stated I’ve been there myself. I think my behaviour was due to some sort of fear of abandonement. Everyone in my life had up and left me at some point and eventually I would be an arse by constantly pushing the envelope with those who love me all the while remaining the so called “good guy.” This was some sort of twisted way of testing the genuiness of the love others showed me.
You are bang on. And I wasn’t implying you thought I was the “bad” guy here, I just wanted to clarify that issue. You are right with saying “If you intentionally lay guilt on people then the chances are that you have some personal issues that need to be dealt with” I mean, man, I had HUGE personal issues at the time, no doubt It’s cool that you’ve come to grips with the things you were doing that weren’t how you would like to be. A lot of people avoid these kinds of things forever - and end up being involved with spousal abuse, or drug abuse, or…well, any kind of “running away” tactic. Two wrongs not making a right is right, in what I’ve personally found out to be 99.9% of the circumstances. This was however my last resort, and it’s the only thing that worked, sadly. She “gets” me a lot more now, and understands FULLY why I had to sink to the levels I did. she has actually thanked me for helping her straighten herself out, and can’t believe most of the things she did and said. I guess the question is, if the second wrong gets the job done, and without resentment from either party, is it actually a “wrong”?
I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I think you need to step outside and look at this post.
You seem like a guy with his head on straight and are nice and supportive, but I keep hearing things like in 99.9% of situations… or versions of your logic telling you something is so and your emotions changing your mind.
Again this is the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you, but I am hearing a lot of cover-up for things I think you know are there.
The last girl I dated was in no way the girl for me, but my logic was so blinded with emotions that I had an answer for everything… now when I look back at it… I can’t understand how I didn’t see it all.
Ethan, I totally appreciate your concern, that is very cool! I have stepped out, stepped in, and out and in…I’ve seen this situation from every possible angle, I believe. It is very hard to express the situation, and to allow you to get a feel for me, through the forums. And if I were you, I think my advice would probably be the same as yours. It is appreciated, and I hope you’re not right…though I have a good suspiscion you aren’t…which is a good thing here
Been cheated on once, and quite frankly it blows. :sure:
If the bloke had just turned round from the start and said that he wanted to date this girl he worked with, then I wouldn’t have been anywhere near so angry. Sure I wouldn’t have been over the moon, but I’d have got over it soon enough. But instead he kept on with both of us for a while, before eventually dumping me on my birthday. By text message. Meh.
That’s what irritated me. You want someone else, go have someone else. Just not behind my back.
My friend was crying over this and then he got pissed off. He asked this girl out for a ball and then it turns out she went with some other guy. He talked to me about it for at least an hr. Cheating = Deception = Backstabbing = Heartbreak = Pain = Anger = Revenge and is also presented through the play Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare where you can take the role of either Claudio or Hero or even Benedick or Beatrice.
lol…I read an interesting article that said men are supposed to cheat and it is part of the order of the animal kingdom…blah, blah. Sounds funny but it was an interesting read (but I can no longer find it). As for cheating I have done my fair share of it (too much actually). I think the problem is some of these younger folks are looking to get serious too early. I mean in high school/college those should be the farthest things from your mind. You have to be mature/focused to handle relationships IMO. Alot of the folks who get hurt in relationships were often to indulged to see the writing on the wall. Hence the focus and you have to be able to get to know the person and try not to run before you walk , hence the maturity. Now that I am married and able to understand relationships I feel I can look back and say while my decisions may have hurt a few, I was not ready to handle serious relations so I stayed away from them. I think it is a realization thing that needs to happen. Relationships require effort and not just effort to keep your mate but to understand them. I think if you hold off you inner most emotions to that part it may lessen the hurts. But infidelities happen no matter the circumstance. And heartbreaks happen thats how we learn and grow. But along the travels I think learning and understanding relationships will help ease a bunch of hurt. That is just my .02 of rambling.
It may sound odd but I don’t think cheating is an honorable character trait, but at the same time I don’t hold a ton of weight to it.
What I do put weight to is whether or not the person ends the relationship after they cheat. If you cheat and then stay with the person you are stabbing them in the back everytime you talk to them, everytime you look at them… it’s just about the most spiteful thing I think you can do.
Just own up to your actions and tell the person. If you don’t have the integrity to tell them you messed up, then 1.) don’t cheat in the first place 2.) just break up and don’t tell them why.
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