Revamp: Cheating

talk
1

I know this has been posted once before or maybe a few times, but I thought I would bring it up.

I seem to have an odd double standard when it comes to cheating. I have 0 problem helping someone cheat, but I have never and never will cheat on someone. I think it’s a very disrespectful thing to do and I think it’s an even worse thing to cheat on someone and then not fess up to it. To go on putting that charade on, that you care for the person and you’ve cheated on them is foul.

I will say I have been the person cheated on and I know how bad it hurts. What hurts more is finding out later that you’ve been living a lie for a while.

So what do my backwards values say to me… That I can help someone cheat, but if they don’t tell their partner afterwards I lose respect for them. I guess I lost a little respect when they decided to hook up with me, but that whole living a lie thing just gets me.

2

I’m jaded I guess. I had an exgrilfriend who I was with for about 4 years or so, maybe a bit longer. She was cheating on me with her “best” friend. I tend not to trust girls, nor do I really care what they do anymore. I myself do whatever I please from now on. Bad way to look at it but for now that’s who its going to be. Hopefully i’ll meet someone who will change my mind :frowning:

3

@Digitalosophy

It is sad that no matter how much you fight letting something like this change you, it seems it’s almost inevitable that it will have a harsh impact on you. Like I’d said earlier, my gf cheated 1 month - to the day - before our 5th year anniversary. That was a little over a year and a half ago. I’m still with her, but I have no zest for life anymore. I can fully understand how you have that “do whatever I please from now on” feeling. And I’m sure you know as well as I do that it’s not right, but it’s very difficult to see past how “life” has screwed you. Funny thing is, before this happened, I was Captain Self Help. Had read soo many books, and listened to sooo many tape and cd programs. I seriously used to here “man, you’re way too happy” like 5 times a day at work. Yes, I was even thrilled to be at work. I’m hoping that time is going to be able to get me back to who I was, and I also know that it was because I had such a strong foundation before it happened, that I was able to get through it relatively unscathed…well, relatively anyway. I’ve taken the attitude from the beginning “where will I be in 6 months” and then aimed to do what I had to do to instill normalcy back in my life. Sad thing about it was, I had like 10 days off work, and she took like 3 months off. The “get your *** back to life” approach helped me short term, and she ended up seeing 2 counsellors and then a full-on psychiatrist, which seemed to help her. But now that the “dust” has settled, I’m left as a shell (no I’m not whining about it, it’s a fact) So, I guess in this respect, I can understand fully what it is you’re saying, digitalosophy…I hope you can get things turned around, and when you do, I hope I’m there beside ya :wink:

4

Thanks pretty deep dude, and I appreciate the fact you hope things change for me.

I must say I give you a TON of credit, staying by your girl after she cheated on you is amazing in my eyes. To be honest, I’m not sure how and why you did. I guess maybe because in my situation she didn’t give me the option of staying around. She called me one day and word for word said

"How’s it feel to know I’ve been screwing (name which I won’t say), let’s call him Bill, for the past 4 months.

Bill actually become somewhat of a friend to me, he used to come out with us to bars, clubs, etc, along with some of her other college buddies. It’s sick because I actually started to like the kid. When I found out that he was sleeping with her, I honestly didn’t know what to do or say. My first instinct was to hurt them both, and badly. I acted upon that instinct and began drive down to her campus with a car full of buddies of mine.

Luckily my best friend who was there and who was driving, made this instinct impossible because he only hopped on the highway to talk (I didn’t know that he had no intention of going to her school). After talking he turned the car around and headed home.

I thank him everyday for this because sad to say, I would have done something real bad :(. It hurt me a lot as I know you can understand.

This happened about 18 months ago. To be honest it began the low point in my life. I didn’t care about anything, and couldn’t get her out of my mind. It was real bad dude.

About 3 months ago I could finally say I’'m truly over it. Yes it still hurts, but I learned to forgive her, and wish her the absolute best in life, relationships, etc.

Sadly, it changed my outlook on a lot of things. For one, family and true friends will always be there. Girls come and go. There is no point in driving yourself mad over a boyfriend or girlfirend. It’s just not worth. At the same time I don’t feel it’s worth investing time and feelings into a relationship, for now anyway. I’m 23 years old, and don’t plan on getting marrried anytime soon. Therefor I will like I said before, do whatever I want. It’s a real bad outlook but I can’t help that now.

Ethan, sorry if I kind of went off on personal issues, didn’t mean to highjack the thread.

And Adam, I admire you, and wish you the very best, hope all works out for you. Just keep in mind dude, make sure your partner respects you man, because everyone deserves nothing less.

5

Wow!!..that is horrible, I couldn’t imagine a phone call like that!! Your friend sounds like a solid guy, it helps having people with clear heads around when things like this happen. Sad thing is, although you say you are over it, and you wish her the best, it still sounds like it’s left a horrible scar on you. Sure everyone will say “there are many people out there” and “not all girls/guys cheat”. These comments are 100%, obviously, but if you are in any state like I am, they don’t matter. My gf has done a total 180, she realizes now what she had in me before, and that what she did only came from her own issues. I’m not the person I was before - not by a long shot, and I wonder who misses it more, her or me. She does EVERYTHING for me now, I mean EVERYTHING, but nothing seems to drag my butt out of the mud. Mine happened about 19 months ago, Nov 14 '03. I got to find it out myself, and then had to confront her which led to - seriously - 4 months of lying about it. See, like I said before I was VERY big on “self help” which translates into “self growth” to me. So, I knew the harder I fought, the more I will have learned when everything cleared. Which is true, I know a lot more now, and have grown HUGE from it. It’s actually comforting to find someone else that is going through the same thing…not that I’d wish it on you or anyone, but to see the same trend, crap happens - you deal with it - then you’re left with a “fragment” of yourself. Thing is this has happened A LOT and soooo many people get through it, so there must be some resolution…my guess is time…and that’s the most discouraging thing about it. Best of luck, and if you ever need to talk about this, or anything, feel free to pm me.

Adam

6

No worries for the hijack. You guys are talking about the subject I posted.
Adam, could you please put in some paragraph breaks and make it easier on a brother to read?? :wink:

Also… Do you feel like you’ve totally forgave her for what she’s done? Do you totally trust she’ll never do it again?

7

I don’t really care too much if a girlfriend cheated on me. Sure I would feel like crap at first. Then again I’m Italian and get to do what we do best…Revenge. I really don’t care about the dude she cheats with either, but I would shove my fist in his face just to feel better. I have also contributed to help an x-g/f cheat on her boyfriend. Had fun doing it and didn’t feel bad at all for him because he was a loser to begin with. I haven’t cheat on my girlfriend though.

So I guess you can say I have low morals, or wait, maybe even no morals.

8

Sorry 'bout the breaks…I was a writer for years, you think I would know better :stuck_out_tongue: Hundreds of poems under my belt, plus the better part of my first novel done (just shy of 500 pages - hand written) sad thing is, I’ve only written like 2 or 3 poems since this happened, and nothing in my novel, I lost all my drive for it, good side of it is the first poem I wrote after it happened won me poet of the year for the second year in a row on a forum with over 400 members < me tooting my horn :stuck_out_tongue:

As far as forgiving her, no I don’t think I fully have. There are times I still hate her, but even though she seriously lied to me over 1000 times in the insuing months, I’ve made a point of being 100% honest with her. This way I can still hold my head high no matter what I’ve been through.

As far as her doing it again, I have no doubt she will not. She wouldn’t in the first place - I know it makes no sense - but she is not the type. She had a ton of issues - which have been dealt with - and these were the things that made her do what she did. No, I’m not making excuses for her, believe me. She got seduced one night, when all of her issues had come to a boiling point and it just made sense to her to do it.

Good thing about it is, I’ve read a lot of psychology books, and books regarding the human condition in nature. So, I was able to help her get through a lot of issues on a daily basis. I finally recommended a psychiatrist because I knew the importance of hearing it from an outside source, someone not directly involved. She’d come home after every session and tell me how she spent the better part of each session saying “Yeah, Adam’s already told me that”…but it still seemed to help having an outside source concuring with my deductions.

Things still seem day to day, I just need to realize that the things I’ve come to grip with (written above) mean that maybe it’s ok to forgive and move on. Hard thing to do though, at this stage.

Adam

9

lol…well, that is a different take on it :stuck_out_tongue: I always said I wouldn’t care either, and just move on laughing at her…boy was I wrong.

10

If a chick cheat on me I doubt I would stay with her in a relationship because I wouldn’t want to be strapped down with one girl knowing she could possibly have another man behind the scenes. But I would consider being friends with benefits.

Like I said, I have low morals.

11

So Adam, what happens if there comes a point in her life where she has a mountain of issues again?

12

nah, I don’t think that reflects low morals…you have a right to do what you want to do…and if you both agree to be friends with benefits, who are you hurting?

13

Also, you say she is not that kind of person, but her actions and the fact she continued to lie would say otherwise. I’m not trying to talk you down from your relationship. Just trying to understand how you’re staying.

14

Not hurting anyone besides my wallet paying for all those darn condoms and public indecency fines. (Just Kidding)

:stuck_out_tongue:

15

Well, I’d known all along she had these issues, and I would talk to her about them. It was me “picking on her” before when I’d talk to her about them. She is now 100% receptive to what I have to say, so I can’t see the issues getting out of hand without me noticing them…if that did happen…hhmmm, I guess she could cheat again, but I think next time I would walk away laughing at her. "cause I’m an amazing person :smiley: and she’d be left with this pile of crap she calls a life.

I’d be there to help her through her issues, I get calls every week from friends, friends’ girlfriends asking for advice and guidance. At work, I get pulled aside everyday to help people with issues, even with my boss. I have a knack for, and fully enjoy helping with, solving personal issues. So, I know I would not run away from her issues and make **** sure she would deal with them. I know this sounds like me tooting my horn, but it’s true, I’ve always been the go to guy when it came to personal issues…and I’ve never walked away without fighting to solve it, or making sure the person involved gives it the attention it needs to get resolved.

I don’t know were things will lead, obviously, but the idea of a repeat seems impossible at this point.

16

Putting on my Psychologist hat…

So it sounds like you need a problem in your life you can take care of. Some people need relationships with people that they can feel like they are helping. You get a sense of gratification by helping her out and being able to take care and support her problems.

Everyone likes the feeling of supporting and taking care of another person, but you have to look at what it is doing to you… being left as a shell…

Also she cheated because she had a mountain of issues all coming at once and was seduced. So if that is the sequence of events that allows her to cheat on you, then it doesn’t have ot be the same issues you feel like you have taken care of. She could lose her job and have a friend pass away… any sequence of events that present a new mountain of issues.

just my 2 cents.

17

I really didn’t want to say this because it’s not aimed at Adams situtation and I don’t want him to think it is. But if a friend were to tell me something like this i’d say the following because I am looking out their best interest:

Once a girl/guy cheats I could never get over that fact. I think it’s an ego thing more then anything. Like “what, I’m not enough”? Obviously, not. I know this because I cheat all the time now, and that’s basically the reason.

Also once you show that hey it’s ok to cheat and i’ll forgive you the girl takes it as “ok now I run things”. That’s not good. because then they know they can basically do whatever they want and your not going to do **** about it. And in my eyes once a cheater always a cheater.

Again this isn’t directed to anyone it’s just my basic outlook. I know in many situations, there are reasons beyond you not being enough.

It would just really stink to forgive someone for cheating and then they do it again.

18

nah, I love your 2 cents :smiley:

I’ve thought about the idea that I need someone to help…all my past relationships have been with nutcases.

As far as what it is doing to me, I’ve contemplated leaving, but then I picture it just the same as being here. Digitalosophy’s post supported what I’ve thought for a while - erasing the cause doesn’t necessarily erase the damage. I think there could be a good future here. I mean, the main issue left is “How will I deal with this” If I can’t get past the scars with her here, I don’t think it will be much different without being here, once again supported by Digitalosophy’s post.

I mean, anything can happen. She could develop all the issues in the world again, but the greatest thing to come out of this was that she is actually seeing the world in a different light. Something clicked around month 4 or so(when I grounded her on Easter weekend with “If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like one, you’re grounded”), sounds sad I know, but that was how this thing progressed up until 4 months after it had happened, and now she’s not the same person she was.

I have to trust that she has grown, because I’m big on believing that if you never have faith, you’re taking away the chance to be hurt - directly anyway - but you’re also taking away the chance to have a great life.

She has had some major issues pop up in the past year, and now I don’t stand by her, and it seems to be the biggest help to her yet. She is forced to have to do it all by herself. I’m big on “tough love” when it’s necessary, and yes it’s hard to sit by silently when she’s crying about her grandad being very sick and dying - and they are VERY tight - and me having no words of comfort…but I don’t mind taking that route knowing it is doing her good. The end defines the mean, I suppose.

19

Trust me, you’re going to be hard pressed to upset me or offend me :smiley: And, you are 100% right. After it happened, she strutted her stuff for like 2 weeks. I played it quiet, then destroyed her to let her know that hurting can go both ways. I’m not into a “strong force” in a relationship. One can’t be considered as more important or the relationship will always fail. I let her know, in my way :wink: that you can hurt me, and I can hurt you…satisfied, and can we drop it now? She wanted to drop it as much as I did, and things leveled out after that.

20

So you’re standing in a huge pool with a big shark in it, and the shark has already bitten you once taking a huge piece of you. So you’re standing there saying… Nah… He’s bitten me once and he’s full now. It won’t happen again.

You could get rid of the shark, but that won’t really get rid of the damage already caused…

Just another angle on it all.