A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”
A guy goes to his doctor because he’s been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, “Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news.”
“What’s the very bad news?” the man asks warily.
“Well,” says the doctor, “our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live.”
“Oh, my God!” says the man. “Well, what’s the bad news?”
“Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer’s disease,” says the doc.
“Well, I can always look on the bright side,” says the man. “At least I don’t have cancer!”
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The Quebecer says, “I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out.”
“It is done,” says the genie, turning to the other guy. “And your wish?”
The guy from Ontario smiles and says, “Fill it with water.”
A duck walked into a hardware store and asked the man behind the counter, “Do you have any gwapes?”
The man replied, “Uh…no.” The duck turned around and left.
The next day the same duck came back and asked the same man, “Do you have any gwapes?”
The man, getting quickly irritated, said, “No, we do not have any grapes! And, if you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I’m gonna staple your feet to the floor!”
The duck quickly waddled out of the store. The next day the duck came back and stepped up to the same man and asked, “Do you have any staples?”
The man shouted, “No!”
Then the duck said, “Do you have any gwapes?”
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, “Can I please use the machine?”
“**** off!” she says. “Can’t you see I’m winning?”
the last few jokes will have me laughing for ages!! lol
two homosexuals are on a beach, one says to the other - shall i put the umberella up?
yeah, says the other - but dont open it…
The Avrage kid goes to______a day
a)whitehouse.com site B)kirupafourm.com?
While kirupa goes to_________ a day.
This joke is better when said.
Two peanuts are walking down a dark alley.
One was a salted.
This is my patented comedy routine, generally employed after a few alcoholic beverages. 
So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said
“Eurostar?”. I said “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the
splits?”. He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it
was Wedgie Kray.
The other day I sent my boyfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang him up, I said “Do you get my drift?”.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “Those are
pickled onions”.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a Competition and I won a years supply of Marmite… one jar.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a condiment”.
And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”
*Originally posted by lavaboy *
**Here’s a dorky MIT joke.
A bar walks in to a man. Whoops, wrong reference frame… **
That’s the most nerdy joke ever! 
What’s worse than a baby in a trash container ?
- A baby in TWO trash containers…
What’s sweet, pink, and knocks on the window ?
- A baby in a microwave oven…
What’s pink and read and goes around very fast ?
- You get it, a baby in a mixer…
(harharhar i read the Frenchadian part of the thread - hehe TABARNACLE…)
green and screams - baby in a plastic bag.
green and quiet - dead baby in a bag.
however, lets get off the baby jokes
oops im sorry mariofan :trout:
forgot about your recent new ‘acquaintance’ :beam:
what do you call a man floatig up and down in the sea
Bob
What do you call a man buried in moorland
Pete
Q: What’s the difference between Canada and Minnesota?
A: In Canada, Moosehead is a beer. In Minnesota, it’s a misdemeanor.
Doughboys
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “Hey, man, it’s getting pretty hot in here.”
“Holy sh#t!” the other muffin replies. “A talking muffin!”
Q: What’s the difference between the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus and the Rockettes?
A: One’s a cunning array of stunts …
Poor you, I bet you were traumatized when you were young by people who said that joke, now you need to communicate your pain…
