Oh, bug*er!
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins on the M25 today.
I thought “That’s a turtle disaster.”
You know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again?
Well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said “I want to report a nuisance caller.”
He said “Not you again.”
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Strike two! Had that one before as well! 
So I was on a date the other night. He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot.”
I said “I’ll take that as a condiment.”
Oh, double bug*er! Hmmph; and I posted em both!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think its Colin.
Quite a little double act we have going here. 
So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it.”
He said “Those are pickled onions”.
We have indeed lol - the Morecombe and Wise of the third millenium? ('cept ur a girl! naturally 
)
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Mommy Tomato, Daddy Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking through the forest together. Baby is walking too slow so Daddy kicks Baby and says KETCHUP!!!
Clearly, we rock.
I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.
One jar.
Let rock some more then …
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.”
I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Two guys were eating at a restaurant together. One was reading a magazine and saw an ad that said “Drink Metamucil and feel young again!!” He showed his buddy and said, “Hey, I’d love to feel young again!” His buddy said “Me too!”, so they ordered a glass of Metamucil. The first guy asked his buddy, “Feel young yet?” His friend said, “Nope”. The other guy said, “me neither”. After ordering about 5 more glasses and asking each other this after each glass, one friend told the other, “I don’t feel young but ****, did I do something childish!”
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants.
It was Wedgie Kray.
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
A pig and an ant walk in to a store. The clerk stares at them and says, “Is this a joke or what?”
So I said “Do you want a game of Darts?”
He said “OK then.”
I said “Nearest to the bull starts”. He said “Baa”, I said “Moo.”
He said “You’re closest”.
What did the monkey say when he mowed over his tail?
It won’t be long now!!
