A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."
This dumb high school kid went to the bathroom and saw someone writing chicken on the wall. He went and told the principal. The principal said, “Don’t EVER say that again *******!!!” and expelled him. He went home and told his parents he got expelled. They asked why and he said, “I saw someone writing chicken on the bathroom wall”. His dad said, “Don’t EVER say that again *******!!!” and kicked him out of the house. Now the dumb kid had no home so he went to join the Army. During his interview the interviewer asked him why his dad kicked him out of his hous. The kid said, “I told my dad that I saw someone writing chicken on the bathroom wall.” The interviewer said, Don’t EVER say that again, *******!!!" and rejected the dumb kid. So the kid was walking away and was run over by Kit.
Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the road.
Kit! Kit! Wherefore are thou?
I doth diest an anguished death without thee by my side with thy mirth and merriment. The silence doth deafen me…
Life without thee is like a broken arrow; pointless. 
Thou canst have lost thy stamina - say it is not so, sweet Kit, I beseech thee!
Aww. 
I’m back, just had to go do some of this ‘work’ thing that they pay me for. :beam: Anyway…
A guy walks into a bar and says, “I think I’ve heard this one before!”
Phew - that was close! Was about to down some Hemlock… whilst writing a sonnet in thy honour, of course 
I slept like a log last night: I woke up in the fireplace.
You know, I heard that the majority of people’s of deaths happen in the 25 miles nearest their house.
So I moved.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’
He said ‘Yes, this my livelihood.’
What’s the difference between an apple and an orange ?
You can eat an apple but you can eat an orange.
*Originally posted by Kitiara *
**So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said “How flexible are you?”.
I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”. **
Dohhh :P:P
It’s a classic. :beam:
[SIZE=1]Though of course, some of us don’t need lessons. :P[/SIZE]
They’re all classics 
[SIZE=1]Bad Kit - you know you’ll only break asph and soul into a sweat ;)[/SIZE]
Next! hehe
He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’
I thought 'That’s a turn-up for the books."
[size=1]Kit - your avatar is doing things; first changes to photo, has now gone to lineart! Where is it all leading… ?[/size]
man says to his shrink, “Im having these awful dreams. One night Im a wigwam, and the other Im a teepee!” Doctor replies, “I see you’re problem, you’re too tents”.
Two nuns in the bath together. One asks “wheres the soap?” The other responds with “Yes, it does, doesnt it”
What happens when a blue dinosaur jumps in the red sea?
It gets wet.
Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
you can unscrew the lightbulb
How many [insert stereotype here]'s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3, 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 2 to turn the ladder.
How many web designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I’m not changing a bloody thing, now get out of here. 
[SIZE=1]Just playing with the avatar. I’m sticking with this one for the moment, fancied a change. :)[/SIZE]
Bloomin aida - she’s done it again
me sides have split - okay, okay, stop Kit, please stop.
YOU WIN!! gasps for breath
[size=1]s’nice - like the strong diagonal - altogether very striking :)[/size]
I love that joke. it’s just so true. And I can get away with it because I am one. :beam:
[SIZE=1]Thankee… I’m working on a new footer to match. Going to keep the current one in storage though. :)[/SIZE]
[size=1]I’ll look forward to seeing it - you’ve made me think I should maybe sort one out for me… [/size]
yup, still have split sides
OK, don’t normally do this kind of joke, but…
Three men had been stuck on an island for ten years.
Just when they ran out hope, one of the men found a magic lamp.
The first man wished to be 10% smarter, and then he was able to make a fire and send morse code smoke signals for help.
The second one wished to be 25% smarter, and suddenly he knew how to build a sturdy raft capable of getting them all off the island.
Then the third man wished to be 50% smarter, and he turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
Oh dear, oh dear…
She was declared winner and she still did it…
[size=1]puts on flack jacket ready for incoming[/size]
Note to mods - please observe I’m resisting temptation and distancing myself from the future of this thread.
Fair enough, no more jokes like that.
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, "You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”
right time to unleash my supreme wit cough lol cough
A man walks into a bar. There’s a really short guy playing the piano, so the man walks over to the bar, orders his drink and says “so what’s the the short guy on the piano?”. The barman replies, “well I’ve got this magic lamp? It has a genie and everything! wanna try it?”
“Sure” says the man. So the barman brings out the lamp and hands it to the man. The man rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.
“I want a million bucks!” exclaims the man. Suddenly, the room is filled with a million ducks. “What the hell is going on? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!?”
“Yeah, that’s the problem you see… the genie’s a little hard of hearing” replied the barman. “Oh,” said the man, “so what did you wish for?”
“well I certainly didn’t wish for a 10-inch pianist!”